Nerves of Jello

Being nervous before a race is never an easy thing to admit to. Usually, I'm not too nervous at all. Usually, I have a very good sense of what I'm capable of on the day, and whether my training has been enough. The last time I really didn't know was the NYC marathon. Right now, I don't feel like I "usually" do.

In most circumstances, I'm a pretty relaxed guy. Most people never really see the competitive fire that I have burning, because I'm not outwardly expressive in that way. But make no mistake, when I toe a line, I'm there to win. If winning isn't realistic, I'm there to beat as many people as I can, including my own expectations. When I can take the start knowing that I'll beat my previous times, that I'll finish in the top 20% (or 10% or top 10 AG), there are no nerves. I don't have that confidence right now.

I'm worried about the level of competition. Muskoka is, historically, the biggest race in the province. It's Ontario's only Ironman qualifier, giving out a total of 80 spots to three different IMs. This is the weekend when all the fast kids come out to play. Will I be able to hold my own, keeping my position on the cusp of the front of the field, or will I be proven a poseur, still years away from actually being competitive?

I'm worried about the swim. I shouldn't be, but I am. After the failure in Milton, the idea of now doing well in an event almost three times as long is a bit daunting. I know what changes need to be made, but will I be able to keep my head in the middle of a large lake, a few hundred meters from any shore?

I'm worried about my bike and run. These are the legs that play to my strength, but I'm worried about going too hard on the bike, and destroying the run. In Milton, I could hammer the entire ride. It was short enough that it couldn't damage my running legs. This week, it's almost twice as far, with a much longer run. So I need to hold something in reserve. But what if hold back too much, leaving speed and time on the course? I haven't felt great running in a few weeks. Never bad, but not great. What if I can't find any kick?

I'm worried about my preparation. It just dawned on me this week that I'll be out there for about 3 1/2 hours. That's as long as a marathon. I've had a few rides go longer than that, but not many. My longest run has been 10 miles as a stand-alone, with the run section now 15km (about 9.5 miles). What kind of legs will I have? On the flip side, unlike a marathon with 2-3 weeks of taper, I'm coming into this with 2-3 days of easy-ish work. I might be among the first athletes to show up at a race under-cooked and over-cooked at the same time.

I'm worried about what this means for September. It's still three months away, but this weekend is the dress rehearsal. My whole year is built around one day, and this is my best chance to see what I'll be able to do on that day. I have big plans and dreams in that race, so what if I blow things on Sunday? What if I can't hold the paces I plan to on September 14th during a race that's 2/3 the distance? What if it's all for naught?

Welcome to my head over the last couple of days. It hasn't been the happiest place to be. I know all the platitudes and reassurances that can be expressed, but those won't hold off the gnawing that I feel. I think putting these down helps me see them, and to a certain degree, confront them. They're right in front of them, so I have to accept their presence and keep going forward. I can answer none of these questions until Sunday morning. It's not even worth trying. So the nerves will be there when the gun goes off. As the race progresses, I'll be able to answer the doubts as I go. Some may be positive, some may not. I'm going to learn a lot about myself in 4 hours.

This is my mid-term exam. In the immortal words of Diamond Dave, "I brought my pencil. Give me something to write on." (I think his metaphor had a different intent, but I'm borrowing it anyway.)